When booking the nature part of our trip, after doing a bit of research we went through a tour guide that the Lonely Planet guide book described as “the assertive pick of the budget operators” who we shall call Bill* and came across a review** where he apparently threatened to do someone in, but there were many more good reviews than bad and he had sent photos of himself with happy tourists over WhatsApp so we gave him the benefit of the doubt. We signed up for a four day / three night package inclusive of nine activities. The main draw is jaguar spotting but we knew it was the wrong time of year for that.

After a ridiculously early flight from Sao Paolo, we arrived in Campo Grande at 7.00 in the morning, the main gateway to the largest wetlands in the world – The Pantanal. We were met by a smiley, friendly Bill who took us to a local hotel for a complimentary breakfast along with fellow traveller Tom, also from the UK. As we got in the car, Bill asked “do you want the good news or the bad news?”. The bad news we said – that would be the “aggressive” mosquitoes who bite night and day, and that the fact that despite having booked three nights at the Pantanal Jungle Lodge, a large group of Brazilians were coming so it would be better if we stayed in a different place just a few minutes boat ride away for the last night which would really be an upgrade and anyway the Brazilians would be partying all night and keeping us awake. There wasn’t really any choice in the matter so set off on the five hour van ride after taking a selfie with Bill, then realised we never actually found out what the good news was.

I don’t think we actually left Campo Grande for the first hour as we turned around so many times it felt like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. After waiting at various junctions for local passengers or supplies, we got on the road. Halfway through the driver dropped and motioned us out to see caimans. This was no ordinary photo opportunity – three of four caimans emerged from the river on to the ground a few feet away whilst the driver threw them chunks of meat and treated them like cute little pets. When he beckoned me over to touch one of them I couldn’t resist (throwback to touching a Komodo Dragon) – it felt like plastic. Caimans are apparently actually quite friendly unlike full blown alligators.

We eventually transferred to a bumpy jeep for the last part of the ride and arrived at the jaguar themed Pantanal Jungle Lodge, straight into one of our 9 organised activities, a sunset boat trip on the river. Our official guide’s services weren’t really required as our fellow guests included Carlos the Costa Rican animal and bird expert tour guide and all round wildlife enthusiast and family.

We were glad to have our binoculars to get a closer look at so many colourful birds and some howler monkeys. We saw Caracara (my favourite), Roadside hawk (if in doubt say it’s one of these), Tiger herons and more types of parakeet that you’ll find on Hampstead Heath.

After a buffet dinner and chat with other guests it was an early night ready for the next days activities starting at 7.30am – morning jeep safari, “ecological walk” followed by afternoon kayaking and a nighttime caiman spotting. The jeep safari was less of a safari and more of an incredibly bumpy ride down a road, stopping every two minutes as Carlos spotted a bird nobody else could see, but we got to wear our comedy head nets that friends had leant Helen (thanks Stickie!!) which deterred the hoards of mossies. As Carlos’s wife said “at first I thought they were ridiculous but now I’m jealous”.

I quickly realised two things; it is true that mosquitoes like black (my dark trousers were covered in giant mossies) and they do bite through clothes (Helen’s top tip – put on Deet like body lotion and don’t forget your bum).

The ecological walk was nicknamed “Mosquito Spotting” as it seemed like a case of let’s take the tourists through for a walk through the woodland and not actually show them any wildlife. By now I’d given up on keeping the mosquitoes off my legs but my top half didn’t get a single bite – thank you M&S white linen blouse (now permanently stained yellow). We were sweaty messes wearing the same clothes for three days whilst fellow guest and native Brazilian Julia managed to look stunning the entire time with her brightly coloured linen outfits, naturally curly hair and mascara that stayed on. I literally watched the mosquitoes hovering around her beautiful outfit then flying away in the opposite direction.

We never got time to play pool or sit at the bar on the jaguar themed stools as we were either rushing off to an activity or too tired and it was never clear what activity was coming next but at least our guide Zinho spoke English. Kayaking was more fun – Zinho led us downstream so the current took us without the need to paddle. “Relax and enjoy the scenery” he said (the exact opposite of my Norway fjord kayaking experience last year which I still need to write about).

Night time caiman spotting was not nearly as much fun when you can’t touch them but we saw the southern cross in a beautiful night sky, slightly it was spoiled by the constant torches scanning for birds – no Carlos I cannot see “that bird that looks like a stick in that skinny tree to the left of that other tree”.

Day three was horse riding and introduction to The Dutch, four hilarious guys from Holland who had never ridden before but had their matching wide brimmed hats and were cantering all over the place. Instead of riding hats the lodge gave us plastic crash helmet and hair nets to keep the nits out which didn’t look quite as cool.

We had hoped to avoid moving hotels but indeed all of the European guests were being booted out to the “upgrade” hotel across the river. When I tried asking the hotel manager if we really needed to move, he just put a much less friendly Bill on the phone.

As we opened the door to our new home it was apparent it was certainly not an upgrade. The room was tiny, there were piles of dead flies in the corners and the bathroom was filthy – and we are by no means luxury travellers with high expectations. I had just got out of the cold shower as Helen ran in to check I was OK as Tom had just been electrocuted in his shower. It was bad timing that I had accidentally rubbed Deet on my lips, and was trying to cool them down by blowing air out in probably quite a strange way, which Helen interpreted as me also having been electrocuted.

This was enough for the ever patient Tom, who works in tourism and is way more polite that I could ever be, to complain. I don’t think I’ll ever forget walking into the restaurant area and hearing Tom on the phone to an increasingly irate Bill, saying calming “Yes Bill, I understand we have to move as the big Brazilian group are coming, yes I understand they would be very noisy, but I have just been electrocuted therefore I would like to move rooms.” Bill’s response to this was to blame us and threaten Tom with “The Girls are being difficult but I don’t want to have a problem with you Tom.” We all agreed Bill was now very likely to do us in, as per the original Trip Advisor review** but we still needed him for the transport back to Campo Grande.

After moving to new rooms that were semi cleaned and supposedly had hot showers that we were too scared to use anyway, the mood improved with the “floatation” activity which entailed being driven upstream and gently floating back on inflatable noodles. There were apparently no piranha despite the piranha fishing activity, and the caimans are friendly. Helen and I watched this activity from the boat as we took our cue from the native Brazilian who said she was not getting in that water. It was actually great fun watching the others scream as various things touched them under the murky water.

After some beers by the pool it was time for the outcasts to return to the other side for dinner, as with the Big Brazilian Group arriving we were also banned from meals at the lodge. But not before witnessing the arrival of the Big Brazilian Group – we watched as a bus load of retirees arrived with their wheeled luggage, clutching their pillows. Not quite the party group we were expecting but with a group of us we could see the funny side.

Dinner was also very entertaining – thank God for The Dutch. We had noticed a German couple who ate meals together but otherwise acted like they didn’t know each other and we had been pondering (or maybe gossiping) about whether or not they were a couple. The Dutch launched into an interrogation on how they met (only a few weeks ago when she was “facilitating a Tantra ceremony” and “he hasn’t graduated yet”), how well they knew each other (she said you need need to communicate in order to know someone) and eventually asking “but are you a couple??!” (as of this morning no).

The final morning only had one activity, “artisanal piranha fishing” which I obviously was not joining, but I watched the others sit in the blazing sun covered in mossies for half an hour before giving up – apparently nobody has ever caught anything as it’s a rubbish fishing spot.

We entertained ourselves finding an old review from 18 years ago calling Bill a liar and even more amusing overly positive reviews from someone posting as Fiona who was clearly actually Bill and subsequently kicked off the forum. There was just time for a late morning pool party before Bill came through on our transport out of there. Next blog coming soon on our journey up the coast, if Bill hasn’t tracked me down and done me in by then.

*names have been changed!

** totally unrelated review: https://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g303369-d13970729-r866099680-Pantanal_Discovery-Campo_Grande_State_of_Mato_Grosso_do_Sul.html