My friends and I are deep in conversation on a pebbly beach in a beautiful, secluded cove. Nothing particularly unusual about that given that we are in Montenegro, except we each met just a few days ago, we are all stark naked and a man has just informed Keith, the only male in our group, that he ‘likes big sausage’. “Good Lord Sweet Jesus” is American Keith’s response as he declines to go around the corner into the cave. Today the aging wrinklies from Devon have been replaced with beer drinking, young, buff and bronzed Montenegrin men and the women in our group are in hysterics in a ‘now you know how we feel’ manner as we realise they were not in fact checking us out. It seems I’ve found the Hampstead Heath of Buljarica.

To give some context on the above experience, I’ve signed up for a week at the Mahakala Yoga Retreat near Petrovac where getting naked seems to be the name of the game (disclaimer; this is probably not actually part of the official program). The relief of being with others again after the last year or so of lockdown restrictions is immediate – in the stunning villa that fifteen of us are calling home for the next seven nights, there are no masks, no social distancing and hugs are very welcome 🙏.

I may have raved about the water in the UK but this is on another level. My water shoes have come in very handy with the stony beaches particularly when exiting the ocean – the only problem with the naked swimming is how to get out of the water gracefully, i.e. without crawling over the rocks Gollum style.

Mahakala includes daily yoga, some kind of workshop, no alcohol, two meals a day and a ‘digital detox’ which I had hoped would mean a leaving with a flat stomach and calm serenity. What it actually means is binge eating twice your body weight at said mealtimes, daily naps as you can’t move after stuffing your face and never being able to Google something when you actually need to. It would probably be better to visit not in the August heatwave as it is shall we say challenging to exercise in almost 40 degrees Celsius.

This retreat is an opportunity to try different styles of yoga, such as a ‘Yoga meets dance’ class which I knew from the off would be slightly weird, as are most of the afternoon workshops (but in a good way!). “And now slap someone else in the room!” shouts Guilia, our teacher, as we all leap around the room bitch slapping each other and shrieking with laughter. There is no point in going into these things half heartedly – if you sign up for seven days in this type of place you might as well go all in. That includes writhing around like an animal on your mat (one person actually moo’ed like a cow).

The food when it is provided is incredible, both in taste and presentation. At 09.30 and 17.00 the bell rings and we all line up to learn about the ingredients and nutritional content before loading our plates like this is the last supper.

The yoga session I enjoyed the most was a sunrise practice (a few degrees cooler!) down at the specially constructed platform on the beach, followed by an early morning swim. I had already gone into the water in an effort to avoid the wasps when I noticed the rest of the group making their way in minus their swimsuits, every single one of them (did I mention the water is crystal clear?). In for a penny in for a pound as they say – I had to agree it was a very freeing experience to share together.

The schedule includes down time, which is filled by lazing in hammocks, using the roof top Jacuzzi (if the natural filtration system doesn’t send you running for a UTI test), outdoor baths filled with flowers (best bath of my life!) or onsite massages, which were amazing although none of us were ever quite sure if the large, middle aged Montenegrin massuese was the same man as the one who picked us up from the airport, or the one who drove us to the beach, or if they were in fact three different people.

After almost a week of sneakily enjoying contraband coffee in my room, a few of us cracked on the final day when we left the sanctum of the villa for the beach and someone (naming no names) bought beer and chips – neither of which has ever tasted so good. It almost took away the sting of the €25 cost of using the sun loungers.

On the final night there was an emotional closing ceremony with quite a few tears shed as the group came together to sing and play instruments along to some haunting tunes around the fire. It’s a testament to our three instructors Guilia, David and Klaude that relative strangers felt comfortable sharing sometimes deeply personal experiences safe in the knowledge there would be no judgement. Asking us to end our sentence with “Aho!” which would be echoed by the group was challenging as I really struggled not to respond with “knowing me knowing you, Aha!” Alan Partridge style instead.

For me, I came here believing I needed time alone, when perhaps actually I needed to connect with like minded people. And despite some of the more ‘out there’ elements of the week (still not a fan of three minutes ‘eye gazing’) that was certainly achieved 🙏.