I expected rain, midges and to be beaten up in Glasgow city centre. Instead I got sunshine, no insects in sight and incredibly friendly people who ask for my ‘wee name’. Plus some of the most stunning scenery I’ve seen on this island. I’ve even come around to the Scottish accent and have a new favourite singer, Gary Cinnamon, after hearing a few of his tunes performed by the Young Scottish Singer of the Year busking by Loch Lomond. Many a true word in lyrics like ‘it could be a canter, if you’re just a wee bit less of a wanker‘.

Arriving in Glasgow, in an effort to economise I booked into the Euro Hostel – at £25 a night it’s bunk bed style but I’ve got the room to myself and even an “ensuite”. It’s clean,the staff are welcoming and nobody tried to get into my room at midnight like they were about to do in Edinburgh…

I walked around for several hours trying not to look at anyone the wrong way given Glasgow’s reputation on a Friday night, but only saw a few fights in the street (mostly between women I would not want to get on the wrong side of). Another surprise was the abundance of amazing vegan food such as the extremely popular Glasvegan and in particular the Scottish breakfasts – I will be leaving a stone heavier.

Despite liking the feel of Glasgow, one day in the city proved enough so I took the train to Balloch, gateway to Loch Lomond. I was actually a bit underwhelmed by the Loch and the touristy nature (Sea World anyone?!) of this area but am aware I didn’t venture past the visitors centre.

Budget mode in full swing, I took a surprisingly comfortable bus ride up to the start of the Highlands where the bus driver said I could sit anywhere as long as it wasn’t on anyone’s lap. Set on the banks of the River Ness, I knew immediately I would love Inverness.

On a recommendation from the waitress at the old movie themed Rendezvous cafe, playing Led Zeppelin and serving huge portions of toasted sandwiches and the best coffee so far, I dropped off my bag and went straight out to explore the ‘islands’. This is a beautiful woodland walk along the fast flowing river with several white bridges connecting the inlets. Some mansions were hiding behind the trees, one of which was apparently almost home to Johnny Depp.

I love a good day trip so booked onto a ‘Rabbies’ tour to Loch Ness. I cannot recommend this highly enough if you are travelling without a car, plus you get an entertaining guide for an educational experience. Our guide Paul was particularly interesting, especially when he casually asked me ‘what would you say if I told you I’m Britain’s second bigger weight loss star? I’m famous,you can Google me!’… I did – he didn’t mention that he actually hit the tabloids with the headline ’50 stone man fears he may crush wife during sex’.

The best thing I’ve learned so far on this trip has to be who Mr Crowley, star of my favourite Ozzy Osborne song, actually was. We drove past Alastair Crowley, black magic extraordinaire’s house, which was owned for several years by Jimmy Page and regularly frequented by Ozzy and the Black Sabbath guys. The link between the occult and heavy metal music is an interesting one as according to tour guide Paul, some spells require a visual representation to be performed, perfectly suited to a rock concert. Apparently if you come here at night you’ll find ‘all sorts’ in the graveyard.

The Highlands of Scotland are really stunning – the kind of scenery I was waiting for. I even managed to pose in the road for a photo reminiscent of Route 66 although the know-it-all on the tour with the fancy camera insisted on taking the picture at such a strange angle I prefer my own snap above. Turn on the sound for the full Scottish experience on the video below…

Loch Ness itself blew Loch Lomond out of the water for me. Unfortunately I didn’t have my bikini and this is no Budleigh Salterton so I had to make do with paddling my feet in the water, which was crystal clear on the banks but a mysterious black further in due to the composition of the rocks.

An added benefit of taking a tour is that Tabloid Paul booked us onto an otherwise sold out boat trip and got us there early enough to be first in line to pick the best seats. Tales of Nessie sightings fresh in our minds (Paul said anything he tells us falls into two categories, either a) he truly believes it or b) he truly believes that other people truly believe it), it was a gorgeous cruise around the Loch.

Next stop on my Scottish tour had to be Edinburgh and a stay in a converted jail cell at the POD hostel. I enjoyed the concept of the number pad entry instead of a key until I was woken by some drunkards randomly trying to get in. Hostel life seems almost back to pre-covid levels other than hand sanitisers everywhere – what a novelty to sit in a communal kitchen!

Edinburgh is essentially a collection of extremely tall buildings, we’re talking 16 stories high. In the old days people would tip their toilet waste out of the top windows and pity the fools who didn’t hear the warning cry to move out of the way. Construction continued up around the bridges, resulting in a maze of cobbled stairways and turnings on Google maps that don’t actually exist unless you want to step off a 20 foot ledge. Cue half hour of very confused walking around in circles, wondering why the expected 5 minute journey from train station to hostel was not going anywhere.

A still unfulfilled item on my Scotland list was Castles so I booked a second Rabbie’s ‘Outlanders Adventure’ tour which is intended for fans of the Outlander TV show – a show that I admitted to never having heard of to cries of ‘sacrilege!’ from the back of the bus. No problem said the regular sized, kilt wearing and pretty good looking tour guide – ‘we are here to see castles although some of it might go over your head’.

I soon made friends with my fellow passengers when the first stop required us to buy tickets on our phones. Given the average age of the group and their inability to even connect to wifi, I realised they had no chance of making a purchase so I indebted myself to the guide and bought tickets for everyone, making a quid in unreturned change.

I wasn’t expecting the Mediterranean style ancient villages in this part of Scotland. The highlight was chatting to Bob Beverage in Falkland, Fife, a local celebrity in his own right due to his friendship with the great Johnny Cash who had a connection with the tiny village and even played in the square. It looks like a simple violin shop but it’s crammed with antique items and if you ask nicely Bob will bring out the guitar signed by Cash’s daughter.

It was a lovely day with the icing on the cake being meeting Sheila, who appeared a young looking 60 something until she mentioned her 50 something year old son. Sheila and I were the only people to walk up every hill and we shared dinner and a bottle of wine after bonding over the annoyance of dining out solo and always being stuck in the ‘naughty corner’ by waiting staff holding out for bigger groups. It’s always inspiring to meet older women on their travels and proves friendship has no age limit.

As usual a couple of days sightseeing was too much for me but luckily Edinburgh has an extinct volcano in the form of Arthur’s Seat overlooking the city and an easy hour’s climb.

And that’s it for my UK Tour… it’s been an eye opening experience and a lesson in appreciating what’s on your doorstep on the world travelling scale! Scotland is firmly on the list of places to return to, especially to explore more of the Highlands and get out to the more remote islands. For now I have finally booked a one way ticket out of here – next stop Montenegro.