I arrived at Pier 1 in Cebu City a sweaty mess after walking around in circles for half an hour with a dodgy ankle in 100F heat. I didn’t take a taxi as it was supposed to be just 5 minutes walk in a straight line. For people with a moderate sense of direction maybe. Why are the Pier buildings visible from all directions but only actually accessible from one side?!

I wasn’t expecting the airport style security and baggage checkin desks or to have an assigned seat – Filipinos know how to do ferries in style! After a couple of hours I arrived on the island of Bohol, famous for two things – the world’s smallest primate and the Chocolate Hills. Both sounded intriguing.

With even more disorganisation than usual, I only booked my accommodation the night before and picked Alona Beach as I was ready for some sand. Almost as soon as I checked into my £7 a night Moon Falls hostel and stepped outside, I realised that this was mistake. I hated it. Like Benidorm in extreme heat, if beach security carried rifles and pistols. And packed with people as it was Holy Week. As for the people, the girls on my snorkeling trip were wearing eyeliner which says it all. Although one of them, actually in my eyes the most beautiful, confided that she was ‘not a real girl’ so I’ll let her off the false lashes. On the walk to the beach I was bombarded with offers of island hopping trips and souvenirs 😬

Against my better judgement but after making friends with a lovely Filipina girl from Manila when we shared a table in the next door vegan cafe Shaka (which is amazing but pricey), I booked myself onto a snorkeling trip for tomorrow that she had really enjoyed. I had already read terrible one star reviews of these snorkeling trips yet for some reason I had a temporary memory lapse when I signed up to a 05.55 am start the next day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lesson learned : Always heed the reviews!! Whilst I take many hotel reviews with a pinch of salt (‘there was no toilet paper in the bathroom but when I asked for some they were happy to provide it’ – was that even worth writing?!) a succession of negative comments on a tour IS worth taking note of.

I only wanted to snorkel so I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of the itinerary. Had I realised I’d spend two hours on a boat where the engine noise drowned out any notion of a peaceful morning, to chase a small pod of dolphins around with 50 other boats I would not have set foot onboard. All I could see was boatloads of Chinese tourists jumping up and down and squealing, selfie sticks everywhere. My group had a particularly annoying French guy who repeatedly asked the crew if he could get in and swim with the dolphins despite the fact they kept saying NO. I was very tempted to push him overboard and see how he fared amongst all of the boats. Sadly many of these tourists are the ones who sign up for the Oslob whale shark ‘tours’.

When we eventually reached the first island, I ended up in a ridiculous comedy argument with the guide… He said we could leave our bags on a table before we go to different site far away for snorkeling. I said I’d rather bring my bag with me. It contains my asthma inhaler, which I’m 99.99% not going to need but I’d like to have it in the near vicinity if we are going to a different site. The guide thinks I want to go snorkeling carrying my backpack because I think it will be stolen. Him: ‘don’t worry it’s safe here’. Me: ‘I know, I just need to bring my inhaler’. After about ten minutes of this, I show him the inhaler. Him: ‘don’t worry we’ll take you in a boat’. Me: ‘??!’. As he’s getting a canoe ready I realise he thinks I’m not fit enough to walk to the snorkel site and need to be specially transported. After I finally convince him that I can actually walk unaided, we set off on the THREE MINUTE walk across the island where everyone else is happily snorkeling away with turtles. After he hid my inhaler in a boat on the shore and gave me a life jacket because he clearly thinks I can’t swim either, we got in the water and I realised he’s not going to leave my side in case I have an asthma attack and die 🤦🏻‍♀️ To make it worse I couldn’t actually swim because the two sizes too big life jacket was floating up around my ears and my crappy mask was filling with water. I’m trying not to flip over whilst the concerned guide is diving down to tie the threadbare life jacket between my thighs to stop it riding up over my head, whilst trying to stay afloat himself, and he picks that moment to ask ‘are you married? Where’s your boyfriend?’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

After 15 mins chaperoning me around the water both the guide and me had enough. We walked the 3 mins back to where the rest of the group was sitting miserably under a canopy refusing offers of overpriced breakfast. We waited there for an hour while the annoying French guy (it had to be him obviously) to go for ‘a quick look’ at the corals before we were transported back to the mainland £10 lighter. We did stop a beautiful sand bank on the way back where I had a fried banana and a another chat with the vendor about where my husband is. I realise that I was still on a very nice island but always do your research!! 😂

I made the snap decision to forfeit the cost of my already paid for bed for the night and get a taxi straight out of there up to the town of Loboc. Sometimes you have to change your plans! Loboc sits on the river and according to the Lonely Planet is where eveyone bases themselves for the Chocolate Hills. I was expecting a backpacker hub. I got the only room left in the town which felt inexplicably empty…

As I looked over the fields from my odd little guesthouse where nobody spoke English I knew I had made the right decision. Even when I wandered around the tiny smoky ghost town (they burn leaves to keep the mosqitoes at bay) to find everything closed and didn’t see a single other traveller.

The next morning I had to move accommodation as everywhere was fully booked – where these mythical guests were hanging out I have no idea. But it was a good thing, as my new place, Stefanie Grace Paradise Inn was just beautiful. On the banks of the river, with steps leading down into the water and even a slide for the kids or braver adults, I had my own little room for about £10.

The lovely people there organised for next door neighbour Michael to take me on a private trip in his tricycle as there were no tour companies in town. I was all set to brave the jeepney but it was so worth it – instead of being herded around tourist spots in a big group I got to choose where I wanted to go, stop when I wanted and enjoy the lush green scenery whilst chatting to Michael.

We passed through the ‘manmade forest’ of Mahogany trees which I didn’t really understand, but his father apparently helped to plant. The seat in the tricycle was made from one of those trees but now it’s prohibited to cut them down. I was actually sitting on a travel neck cushion which Michael keeps for his passengers, asking ‘would you like that for your ass?’ 😂

I made sure we went to the Philippine Tarsier Sanctuary in Corella to see the world’s smallest primate – not the ‘conservation area’ where most of the day trips take you. Michael agreed that this is the right way to see these tiny animals.

At the centre a guide took three of us to see a few of these tiny, tiny creatures with their huge eyes (which are bigger than their brain), only the size of my hand. They are probably the cutest things I’ve ever seen and I wanted to pick them up and never let go.

Here is a cute video :

Sadly they are endangered and if stressed, they commit suicide by holding their breath. Solitary and nocturnal, they need peace and quiet during the day. You’re reminded to whisper and not get too close.

Next stop, the second most famous attraction in Bohol, the bizzare Chocolate Hills.

Unfortunately no chocolate in sight, but after climbing some steps to the viewpoint (they told me it was a steep hike, really far – it’s really not!) I could see hundreds of identical, perfectly dome shaped chocolate brown mounds in all directions. Parched from the heat they became a national landmark.

There are no trees on top. Actually there are about 2,000 of these hills, which started off underwater and gradually formed over the years. These are another thing I didn’t really understand – why are they only found on this tiny island?!

If I had more time I could have stayed longer in Loboc simply to lounge by the river and admire the views and the wonderfully dated common area with it’s green decor and family photos. Or laze in a hammock at the guesthouse by day and be seranaded by the aging long haired manager and his guitar in the evening. I was enjoying the Beatles renditions, resident dog and free San Miguel and didn’t even mind the ‘are you married’ chat until he asked if I had a spare passport photo he could keep in his wallet to remember me – at which point I made a swift exit for an early night 😂

The science behind the Chocolate Hills

But a couple of days is sufficient to see the main sites. Itching to get to the real beaches, I took another lovely ferry further south to the mystical island of Siquijor, known to the locals for it’s mountain top black magic healers…